


The Real Housewives of Konoha

by annoye_d



Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: Alternative Universe - Housewives, Cheating, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Humor, M/M, Pegging, Sexual Humor, butch he/him lesbian tenten, not meant to be taken seriously, over dramatic, this is a joke I have no life, what even am i doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 12:33:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19869715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annoye_d/pseuds/annoye_d
Summary: Once a week, early in the morning, a group of girls gather within Konoha Cafe to gossip and tell stories about their week. Containing the juicy gossip of their love life and the usual update on drama, while the strangely attractive barista with grey hair, eavesdrops.





	The Real Housewives of Konoha

**Author's Note:**

> I made this as a joke and wrote this at like 3AM. I might update it when I'm bored, but who knows. Please don't take any of this seriously. Also yes I'm black!!

It was a small run-down cafe, that still somehow, held up it's aesthetic. Which of course was all thanks to the excessive amount of plants that revealed itself in one's view in every corner and not to mention the stained wooden floors. However, it wasn't the 'Wattpad y/n _, 'I threw my hair into a messy bun'_ white girl' aesthetic that shackled the girls to this small coffee shop. It was the stories they told and experienced within it that made it special. 

“Hey girlies!” Ino chirped, taking a seat in one of the unnecessary tall chairs. 

Warm smiles painted each of her friends faces, except for Karui that is. She was deep into her phone per usual. 

“Hey! We were just talking about you!” Sakura beamed.

“Oh I feel special!”

“Don’t. We were talkin’ shit.” Karui spat, rolling her eyes.

“Bitch!” Ino jokingly shoved her, causing the two to giggle. 

A car rolled itself into the parking lot of the cafe and a huge smile shoned on each of the girls faces. Sakura however, grew grim. 

“Why do we even invite her?” The girl mumbled, looking down at her tea cup and squirming in her seat. Karin was Sasuke's ex-"girlfriend", but to be more specific, Sasuke's fuck-buddy during his rebellious days in college. Sakura had always felt uncomfortable around her, but that was all old drama. It's been years since then, but the feeling in Sakura's chest felt as if it were yesterday. 

Ino’s smile immediately fell into a look of pity. “She’s trying her best to get along with us. Especially you.”

Sakura’s head snapped itself up, her cheeks burning. “Really?” She fretted.

“Yup. Besides, we gave you a chance didn't we? So give her one too."

Karin made her way inside the shop, her clothing as revealing as ways, making every conservative person take a second look. Today she wore a skin tight latex bodysuit. Surprising to some, but not to them. This was something the girls were used to. Compared to the rest of the girls fits, Karin made them look like pro-lifers who just came back from Sunday service. 

“Sup bitches.” 

Before the girls could greet Karin back, music so loud shaking the ground beneath them, blasted in the parking lot. Ino and Temari both lock eyes. “Hm.” Ino pettyly let out, taking a sip of her tea. Kash Doll _‘Ice Me Out’_ was blasting from the expensive black sports car and a man in an all black tux exited the driving seat of the car. He opened the back seat slowly, letting out a girl they all despised. 

She wore a skin-tight sparkly jumpsuit and a feathery white scarf. Her heels, unnecessarily long, and her glasses pointy and tinted pink. Everything she wore looked expensive, even her lip gloss. The girl snapped her fingers aggressively, demanding her assistant to get her purse from within the car. 

“She’s so fucking extra.” Ino whispered, rolling her eyes and resting her head on her hand.

“Does this bitch ever stop?” Temari whispered back. “I feel so bad for Naruto. I bet she empties his wallets-”

“Sh! She’s coming!”

“Hinata!” Ino beamed, yet her voice was obviously stilted in sarcasm and anger. She locked her hands around the girls wrist, pulling her near her. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you!”

Hinata slapped the girls hand away, obviously sparking anger within Ino. “It wouldn’t have been if you weren’t making it your life mission to avoid me, but I digress.” Hinata took a seat next to Sakura, pulling out a small mirror to check herself in. She tapped the girl's nose with the tip of her acrylic in a condescending manner. “No hard feelings though sweetie.”

“Right.” Ino gritted, a threatening smile painting her face.

“Do you want any cake Hinata?” Sakura said, in an attempt to cut through the troubling tension.

“No I don’t do sweets. I’m on a diet.”

“Diet?” Temari scoffed.

“How else do you think I get my ass this fat?” The girls laughed, the tension gone. 

“So what's new?” Ino beamed, eyes hungry for the new juicy gossip to sink her teeth into.

“Ugh! Nothing! Sasuke is so boring!” Sakura complained.

“What do you mean boring? He’s so hot." The girls nodded their heads, all agreeing with Karui's statement.

“No! I mean-” Sakura rested her head into her arms, embarrassed. “He’s okay, but that's the problem. He’s _too_ okay _._ He’s too nice, too gentle, too serious and that's all fine I guess, but I don’t know I just miss when things were more…” Sakura bit the end of her thumb nail, trying to find the right words to express what she was feeling.

“Interesting? Angsty? He's no longer the bad boy so now you’re bored?” Ino chimed in, trying to help.

“I guess? I don’t know.”

“What about the sex?” Karin leaned in, trying to give advice with the only thing she was good at giving advice about. 

Sakura's cheeks began to burn.

“It’s... _okay._ ” A gasp escaped all the girls in unison.

“Okay?!” Karin shrieked. 

“What? What's wrong with that?” 

Karui placed a single braid behind her ear, then eyed the girl in pity. “Honey...that ain’t right.”

Karin rested her hand on Sakura’s shoulder, causing the girl to snap her head back up from the table. “Let me give you some advice sis.”

“Advice? Karin you’re the only single one here.”

“Because I value sex more than relationships. My advice is very valuable girls.” She was right, and all the girls knew that. Silence blanketed them, waiting to hear the advice of the dominatrix goddess Karin.

“Recently Sugetsu and I have been fucking around-” The girls gasped.

“Suigetsu?” Karui cringed. 

“What’s wrong with Suigetsu?” Karin whimpered, her bottom lip pursed like a crying child.

Karui took a sip of her tea, not answering the question. That was thing about Karui, she was shady as fuck and only made sure to dip her toe into her pool of opinions, not wanting to start any shit. 

“He smells like literal fish vagina.” Hinata spat, fanning herself with her expensive fan. The girls began to snicker from the blunt comment.

“Whatever!” Karin shooed Hinata's reply, then locked eyes with Sakura. It was obvious she was genuinely trying to help and that brought comfort to the nervous girl. “You have to tell him what you want. Communication is key when it comes to sex."

"I don't know. He's always saying he finds me cute and innocent. I don't wanna' ruin that image he has of me." Sakura began to fiddle with her thumbs, nervous.

Hinata chuckled. "Men don't know what they want." She spat. "Naruto fell in love with me thinking I was as pure as snow, but honey trust me, when I pulled out my strap innocent was the last thing he wanted me to be."

The cafe was welcomed with "preach" and "periodt" by each of the girls in unison, as well as a few chuckles.

Sakura ruffled her hair, somewhat uncomfortable. "But what if he doesn't want to fuck me anymore." She mumbled, her shoulders hanging low.

"You have to change that mindset. _You_ are fucking him, not the other way around." Temari preached, causing the girls to snap. Any more of this and it'll become a church sermon on 'men are trash 101'. 

“Speaking of sex,” Ino side-eyed the redhead, the two giggled. “I saw Tenten today.”

All of their faces contorted in disgust. 

“Ugh. Hate him.” Temari spat.

“The worst.” Hinata snarled.

“What did you say?” Sakura asked, eyes full of innocence. All the girls envied her. How she was the only one whose never had to experience heart break from the butch lesbian playgirl Tenten.

“Nothing of course.” Ino’s face was filled with anger, but her ears were a hue of pink. She could yell and scream all day about how much she hated him, but it didn’t hide the fact that Tenten was _good._ “He smiled at me. That stupid smile.”

“Yes. Stupid smile.” Temari agreed, her face now being kissed with a shade of pink. 

“Aren’t white people supposed to age like milk? How does he still look like that?” Karui joked.

“He's not white Karui.” Sakura sighed, brows lifted. 

“Yeah, well, his behavior is.” Karui spat, her arms crossed and her lips pursed like an angered toddler. 

“Come on guys he's not _that_ bad.” 

“You’re only saying that ‘cause you’ve never _experienced_ him.” Karin chortled. 

“Yeah cause Tenten’s her little personal trainer at the gym.” Ino mocked, causing the girls to snicker.

During their college years, Tenten was known for how attractive and cunning he was. The girl was able to grab a hold of each of the girls heart's. He even got a hold of Temari's heart (broke it into a million pieces, a very depressing day) at some point, which of course, no one talks about if they value their life. Luckily, Tenten liked to keep things professional between Sakura and him.

“Whatever. What about you Temari? Anything interesting?” 

“Don’t even get me started on Shikamaru.”

“What he do?” Karui leaned forward, locking eyes with the girl and ready to hear the rant. “I’m sick of his shit. Everytime I’m driving he takes the aux cord.”

“So?”

“All he listens to is trap! I promise you he don’t listen to nothin’ else! Just trap!” Temari began to rub her temples. “I swear to god if I have to listen to _Lucid Dream_ or _wokeuplikethis*_ one more fuckin’ time I’ma just kick his ass out the car and run him over.”

“Yikes.” Karui took another sip of her tea. Everyone began to rub the girls back in an attempt to comfort her in her distress.

“I don’t listen to that garbage. I’m more of a classical music kind of gal.” Hinata snorted, fanning herself. 

“This bitch…” Ino muttered to herself. “Nobody asked you.”

“And you know what he told me this morning when I was blasting Megan Thee Stallion while beating my face? ‘I wish us guys had a hot boy summer’. What kind of gentrification type shit?” 

“Hm.” Karui pettily let out, taking a sip of her warm tea.

Everyone, including Hinata, covered their mouths, trying to stop the laughter from escaping them.

“If I talk anymore about this my head will explode in anger.”

“Peg him. Then he’ll really know whose in charge. I know a bottom when I see one.” Karin beamed. 

“You know what I might just consider that.” Temari sighed. "I'm always doin' wild ass shit for him it's time I get a say."

“Anyways!” Sakura began squirming in her seat, uncomfortable by where the direction of the conversation was going. She turned her head, locking eyes with Hinata. “What about you Hinata? How’s you and Naruto?”

“Well I’m so glad you asked!” Everyone and their mama gave Sakura the stank eye, causing the girl to sink in her seat. Karui rested her head on the table, preparing herself to hear Hinata blab her face off about how rich and happy she is.

“Sorry.” Sakura mouthed at Ino, only for her to flick her off in return causing the both to giggle.

“Naruto and I went to go get our nails done! Of course, I made sure to get diamonds glued on mine. Then I went shopping for some scarves, cause recently mine has been giving me the itch-y’s.” She beamed.

“Wow! Really? Then what happened?” Ino mimicked, obviously being sarcastic. Hinata sat back into her chair, fanning herself. “Hate me all you want, but I’ll still be happier than you.”

Karui snorted, taking another sip of her tea. 

“What? If you have something to say then say it. I'm sick of your shady commentary.” Hinata provoked, snapping her fan closed.

“Happy people don’t need to flex every five seconds about their riches, but let me clap my tongue.” 

“Yeah well at least I live in a rich house _and_ neighborhood. You live in the ghetto--” “Don’t push me baby girl cause I promise you--” “And you’re married to a pig!” “Bitch!” That did it for Karui. Immediately the girl got up from where she sat, ready to strike Hinata, only to be held back by Temari and Ino.

“Lets not fight girls!” Sakura fretted, placing piles of cake onto an empty plate and pushing it in front of Karui. 

Karui stared at the cake, considering Sakura’s peace offering then rolled her eyes. “Fine.” She mumbled, sitting back down.

“Hmph!” Hinata crossed her arms, fanning herself in a petty manner. 

“So! You and Suigetsu!” Sakura stilted, trying to clear the air.

“Personally, I don't do brats, but he's paying me twice than my usual customers so it's all good.”

“Sounds fun!”

“Very! He's a loud mouth too, but I like em' loud. Especially when you pull out the whips?" Karin kissed her fingers, mimicking an Italian chef. "Beautiful!"

"Karin, please get help." Hinata gagged.

"I'll get help once you stop dragging Naruto's wallet by its edges."

Hinata laughed, then took a sip of her tea. "Fair enough." She smirked.

Ino began to shiver, hugging herself, then letting out a dramatic gagging sound. "Jesus, I can literally feel the sexual tension between the two of you and quite frankly, it's sickening." Hinata and Karin winked at each other, causing the entire table to gag.

It's no secret Karin has slept with every girl within the girl group and every man within the boy group, ironically, except for Tenten. Karin refuses to let anyone dominate her, and the rivalry the two hold for being a dominatrix is well known between both groups. 

"Speaking of, Karin you should definitely come over tonight. Naruto won't be there."

"I have a meeting with Suigetsu again this afternoon so I might be a little late, but sure thing." 

Karui clicked her tongue, shaking her head. "It's an evil world we live in."

"Until Naruto learns to hit it right, I'm just going to have to be shameful."

"There is no shame in it!" Temari agreed, surprising the girls. They all stared at her, eyes widened. "What? You think Shikamaru's 'I'm so lazy' personality leaves when he enters the bedroom?" The girls busted into gut wrenching laughter, hugging their stomachs. "That small empty box under our bed sure comes in handy." Karin shoved Temari playfully. "I really do appreciate the toys though. For real." 

"No problem. You know I'm always here if you need anythin-"

"Jesus is it always about sex with you guys?" Sakura blurted, her face going red at the sudden tension that arouse. "Sorry, I just-" Sakura's shoulders fell, ashamed by her sudden outburst. All this sex talk just made her so embarrassed. Especially when Sasuke and her haven't been as active as they once were and the fear of him no longer loving her anymore grew by the day.

"No need to apologize honey." Karui placed her hand onto the girls shoulder, comfort in her eyes.

"You know I don't like to talk about my relationships with y'all-"

"More like you don't like to talk about anything at all." Hinata interrupted, causing the girls to shamefully snicker. Karui rolled her eyes. "Anyways, Sakura, baby, I use to have the same problems too."

The girls gasped. Little Miss perfect Karui has problems?

"Yup." Karui placed her hand on her chest. If there were pearls hanging around her neck, she'd be clenching them. "Choji has always been innocent, pure, gentle. In fact, that's why I fell for him. My life has always been too hectic and someone as pure and kind as him was all I needed, but I started to realize, I was made for the hectic life. I love mess! I love wild shit!" The girls nodded their heads, giving their full attention to the rare speech. "So you know what I did? I told my man what I wanted."

"On god?" Temari gasped.

"On god! I told him I wanted him to smack me, call me a whore and you know what he did?"

"What?" They said in unison.

"He cried."

The girls busted into laughter, eyes tearing up. "I know! I know! But I didn't let that discourage me! I realized he can't do that, because that's who Choji is. He's pure right down to the core and you can't ask a pure man to be something he's not."

"So what did you do?" Hinata asked, even she too was intrigued.

"I told him to role play."

Silence blanketed them. "Role play?" Sakura lifted her brow, confused.

"If he can't be crazy in bed, then you gotta get somebody else to be crazy. I know it sounds weird, but it worked. I had that nigga goin' from callin' me beautiful angel, to smackin' my ass and wearin' bondage. Try it out."

Sakura took a sip of her tea, digesting Karui's rare advice. "Okay. I'll try it out."


End file.
